Richard works on a film in Egypt

My friend Richard managed to get some work on a film that was shooting in Egypt. I wrote him this note of encouragement.

Congratulations! You have decided to spend two months in WogWorld©, the

exciting, exotic land where you can rub shoulders with hundreds of thousands

of shifty, perverted, criminal and positively dangerous towel-heads who will

be delighted to rob you, cheat you, pass on to you all manner of disgusting

diseases and finally to murder you, so that they can reach paradise at an

early date. You can amuse yourself while you are there by trying to spot

just one honest face: try to eat any meal without becoming an unwitting host

to a countless horde of parasites; join in the fun of the local 'Spot the

Westerner' competition, where a young catamite/suicide bomber will suck your

cock before shoving a stick of Semtex© up your arse. Or visit the pyramids

on one of the three days off you will get in the two months you are working.

Ride there on a camel, who will pass on to you a fine collection of

ectoparasites to match the endoparasites you have already acquired. Those

who appreciate fine wines with a meal or a refreshing, cool beer after work

will be entertained by the local custom of the bar staff secretly urinating

in any alcoholic beverage consumed by Unbelievers. Your hotel room will be

ritually cursed every morning by freelance mullahs (and don't think that

your last name will do you any favours) and the chambermaids (either hirsute

harridans who will wipe your pillows with menstrual effluent - or young,

overweight simpletons with a cleft palate and a wicked cast in one eye who

will be confused by your sexual overtures) will do their level best to hide

religious objects that will hasten your trip to Satan. You are advised that

the singing of The Stars & Stripes, Ave Maria or Soldiers of the Queen may

cause offence and the permanent loss of an eye or limb. Try not to look your

local fellow workers on the set straight in the eye; this can cause more

offence as their guilty minds think that you have found them out in their

latest filthy deed. Do not be tempted by the offers of your focus puller to

pull more than focus, or your clapper/loader to introduce you to his sister

or mother. Intimacy with fallaheen can lead to loss of wallet, dignity,

health or life.

Have a nice stay.